Brokenhearted Sheep

Every day I find myself looking at my phone and wishing I could see my brother’s number light up just one more time.  I still cry wondering how he died.  Was he able to breathe?  I hope he knew I loved him. My heart still breaks that he like all of the COVID-19 victims, died alone.  There is insurmountable pain not knowing how your loved one passed and unable to see them during that time. We should be mourning my Mom’s passing together, something I would have dreaded telling him.  At sixty years old he was still a Momma’s boy!  Instead of finding peace I find myself getting more and more upset every day.  Ordinarily when someone passes people are kind and thoughtful.  They may even avoid talking about your loved one’s death or cause of death.

Not now. 

Yes, there are many people who are heartbroken, hurting and afraid of contracting the virus themselves.  They hurt for the 100,000+ people who have lost their lives to COVID-19.  However, there are many who believe it’s a scam.  Fake.  A conspiracy.  Just the flu.  (The seasonal flu does not kill 100,000 people in under ninety days.  I believe the seasonal flu takes 60,000 lives over an eight month plus period).  These callous people have no problem voicing their delusional opinions and they don’t care who they hurt.  Perhaps if it were their Mother, Brother, Cousin, Son, Daughter, or friend, it would be different.  Maybe not. 

100,000 + innocent human beings have died and we’re debating whether or not we should wear a mask and if we do we’re sheep.

Why is everything political? Why this?

Health care workers have been through hell and back risking their lives all over the world and particularly right here in New York, the epicenter above all places.  They have come from all across the country to help New Yorkers during our most desperate time. Many of them will never be the same. Did they miss that part?

Everyone knows everyone here.  From the mortician who was overwhelmed with bodies to the contractors who were building make shift morgues to the first responders who couldn’t go home to be with their families after work for fear of spreading the virus.  Or, the nonstop sirens that went on for weeks unend or the neighbor(s) who lost not one but two family members to COVID-19.  Or, the child up the street who contracted the immune response disease due to COVID-19.

Fake? Did they stop knowing these folks?

We want to mourn. We have not been able to mourn properly.  Because of COVID-19 there are no funerals.  Excluding immediate family, no one is able to pay their last respects.  No family get togethers where family and friends comfort one another.  Our loved ones didn’t get the respect and dignity they deserved in a final goodbye and they’re certainly not getting it now.

I want to heal.
Instead I’m angry.  Angry because it’s turned into some kind of political theatrics where anyone who promotes wearing a mask is called a sheep.  100,000 innocent human beings are dead and you want to call people who want to stay healthy “sheep”?  Let me rephrase that:  my brother died from COVID-19 and because I don’t want to die, I’m a sheep?
Shame on you. 
In addition to that, the survival rate gets tossed around a lot with no compassion for the 100,000 who DIDN’T survive.  “It’s not as bad as it was predicted to be “.  
W H A T?

I wonder how history will rewrite this story.  I wonder how many more will die.  I wonder how many will have to find out the hard way that this is very real. When this started it was called the invisible enemy.  It’s apparent now we have more than one enemy.

Thanks for reading.

3 thoughts on “Brokenhearted Sheep

  1. Martha Wiesr Reply

    My 😢 years are falling as I read this and feel your despair and sadness. My heart hurts for my dear neighbor who has not seen his wife in over two months as she is in an assisted – living center. My heart is truly broken 💔for you losing both your mom and brother only days apart. I am sad your brother died without you near him. I am at a loss for words to express how sad 😢 I feel. I too have no use for those calling this a hoax, or a political ploy and refusing to wear a mask or practice social distancing. I can only offer my prayers and love 💘 to you. I wish I could take away your pain.

  2. Kathy L. Reply

    Karen….I am with you on this, every step of the way. I haven’t lost a family member to this virus, and I am so very sorry your brother was taken by it…..and the worst about it, he was alone.😥😥😥 The ” sheep” reference is real to me daily..and I feel I need some help dealing with all the negativity I encounter. I work as a cashier in a store that is not “essential”..not by any means, but it is located in NH…so once again, their state motto of ” Live free or Die” rings predictably true. Anywzy, sooooooooo many people come into the store without masks..with young babies, beautiful innocent babies…..slyly offering their opinions on me sanitizing the counters and credit card machine before each and every customer, in my mask and gloves. I have been called a “sheep”…I am bombarded by arrogant people daily with negativity and aggravation at me for doing my ob, just because I take my life seriously, and it’s intetfering with tjem purchasing their junk merchandise from China. I cannot wrap my head around why people are so mean…and why they think that all the death and restrictions are because of ” fake news” and conspiracy theories. It hurts my heart on a dailly basis…I feel for you and your struggles. Please know ypur anger is justified…and understood. I keep you in my prayers..and I thank you for sharing your life with us. Wishing you strwngth and much love.

  3. Invisibly Me Reply

    I don’t know what to say because it all sounds so hollow, but I honestly am so, so sorry. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like, nor what it’s like losing a loved one at this time and to coronavirus no less. It must be incredibly difficult and you’ve already had so much heartache. I’ve been so insanely angry lately at our government, the NHS politics, the idiotic people being so selfish in putting others at risk. With the sceptics and conspiracy theorists, I don’t know. You can believe what you want but you have no right, none what so ever to either put others at risk because of it or to be so damn disrespectful when we’re talking about people losing their lives. I wish I could say ‘ignore them’ but it’s not going to be that easy. They’re the delusional ones if they think this is a hoax. I do think that if such people suffered loss of a loved one from the virus they might change their tune, but it’s too little too late, the damage is already done.

    As for the sheep thing, I’m so past it all. I have a strict routine for going out, shopping and coming home. I clean my hands religiously, anti-bac everything coming into the house, put all clothes I leave the house in into separate bags. I wear an N95 mask among a sea of people not wearing one while they look at me like I’m the idiot. Just don’t care anymore. There’s no harm to being cautious, it seems logical, no? I can’t stand the statistics being banded around like the number of people so poorly is just a number, and those dead just form the daily toll. Just numbers. Fucking bullshit, each and every single person matters, they counted, they were a human being and one death was one too many. If I feel this heartbroken and livid then I can only imagine how you’re feeling.

    I don’t know when this will end, but it will eventually, it has to. Your grief and your loss will never end, but I do hope in time you can find some way to say goodbye properly, to process, to breathe, to work on healing.

    I’ll stop rambling. Please know I’m always here if ever you want to talk. No pressure of course, you really don’t have to. I just feel very useless.. Please, please take good care of yourself. Do what you have to to get through each day, step by step. Sending love ♥

    Caz xxxx

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