Everyone that knows me knows how much I value my independence. After all, I pride myself on doing “everything”.
I can no longer do everything.
I painted my entire house last Winter. I shovel snow. I chop ice. I mow the lawn. I groom my dogs myself.
Today I broke down and hired a lawn maintenance company. I enjoyed mowing. I made it fun. Music blasting, dogs outside with me, sunshine, vitamin d, you know. Good times.
Tuesday I mowed the lawn and since then I couldn’t walk without pain, stiffness, and muscles twitching. I knew I had to do something. Either continue to mow and take days to recover or hire someone to do it and enjoy the days doing other things vs recovering. I had been subconsciously debating this for some time and was going to give it one more chance. Honestly, I know I didn’t have another chance in me especially if I want to do other things. I had laughingly said to someone that I walk to the shed to retrieve the lawnmower the way a dog comes when it’s bath time. Our bodies know. My mind was desperately trying to overrule my body.
My legs which are the most affected by ms (spinal cord lesions) only have so much charge. Only so many axons/neurons and when you use them up it’s basically like pushing a car that won’t start. (Excuse the nonscientific analogy). I was pushing a stalled car AND a lawnmower.
I decided I’d rather use my neurons and axons to walk on the beach, walk my dogs, and exercise.
I could sit here and write how much I despise this disease but what good would that do?
Progressive diseases progress.
I could sit here and talk about all of the people who take their mobility for granted and don’t do chores out of sheer laziness and how it drives me crazy. Primadonnas we used to call them in my neck of the woods. Afraid to sweat. I was one of those people years ago, a primadonna. Perhaps that’s why it irks me so much. Back then I didn’t think twice about having a lawn maintenance company or a snow removal company. Ironic how the things we didn’t want to do are the things we would do anything to be able to do now.
So yeah, this disease sucks.
Progressive ms sucks.
BUT, life doesn’t suck.
It’s painful to recognize when we can no longer do something. It may feel like the things we love are being taken away….and they are. It has nothing to do with being weak minded or not fighting hard enough. Intellectually I know that. I accept it and I will grieve the loss. I’ll file it next to having to give up cycling and shopping for any length of time and keep celebrating what I CAN do.
I never liked shopping anyway.
It’s ALMOST a relief that I don’t have to worry about the lawn. Almost.